wAnTed: bOyfrieND???!!!???

Is having a boyfriend really a big issue? If you don’t have one, does that mean to say that you are less attractive? Less beautiful? Not that sexy? Has a really bad personality that no one could ever appreciate you? Really that high standard and out of reach? Or simply, you don’t want to commit because you’re not that prepared enough to be in a relationship because you don’t know with yourself if you will be a good girlfriend, or honestly speaking, you’re not that ready to be committed to someone and share to him the entire “you”?

If you ask me, honestly, I also don’t know. And those questions were on my head for over 4 years or so, and it really bugs me.

During those times that I am alone, pondering on that such senseless question, I always end up realizing that I should not pressure myself in being committed with someone that I know that I don’t really know that much. I don’t want to enter a relationship wherein I am always pressured, or always trying to be someone that I am not, because in that case, I will really loose my mind! And moreover, I don’t want to enter a relationship just for the heck of entering it because my friends said so, or because I am in need of feeling loved, because I know that I don’t have to.

Just this afternoon, my friends and I were talking about me, not having a boyfriend. I could not recall how many people have already asked me how many boyfriends I had, and if I would answer them that I don’t have any, they will always laugh at me and ends up not believing me and still continues pushing that question. Or, if they would believe me, they would end up telling me that I have such high standards that no one can surpass it and I am looking for a perfect guy! I don’t know if how I would feel every time people would comment that way on that matter. I don’t know if I should be mad, because for me I am just a very simple girl; be happy because I am not that easy to get and people has really high regards with me; or be sad because they don’t see the real me.

More often than not, I am always seen to be hanging around with my friends, always on get-up attire like a sexy skirt with accessories that are fancy or cute blouses paired with exactly of the same shade of bag or sandals. People label me as a “kikay” kind of lady because I never ran out of powder, cologne, eye liner, and all those girly stuffs on my bag. As how I look at boys, I am so picky on telling who the cute ones are and who those really drop-down gorgeous men are!

I don’t know with myself, it’s just that maybe, they are right that I have such high standards that boys that attempt to court me would get intimidated or would feel that I am out of reach. But, is it really a bad thing to be that way? I want to set high standards because I just don’t want to end up just with anyone who is not worth my time, care and effort. I want the boys that will court me to think that I am not an easy kind of girl so they will not play with me, dare to fool me, or just take me for granted. I want them to think that I deserve to be respected, treasured and loved.

When boys court me, I don’t reject them right away because they did not reach my “ideal guy” stuffs. I always look in what they are doing, and are they really exerting effort in doing it so. I appreciate what they do for me, especially the sweet and thoughtful stuffs. I can easily see if they are worth the chance or not.

Honestly, all that I look for a guy is the sensitivity towards my feelings, honesty, sweetness, care and respect. Respect is a very big factor for me, because I hate guys that take every opportunity in their way. And finally, I want to see that they can prove to me that they did not court me just to be their “trophy”. Trophy in the sense that, just for the fact that they have a girlfriend that they can bring to Ayala, or they can have someone to brag towards their friends, or they have someone that they could call their own property, that they would court a girl because frankly speaking, there are really others who are like that.

I don’t want that boys would court me because of the physical characteristics that I have, rather, they would court me because they want to get to know me better and see the real me. I want them to accept the real me, and not change me into someone they want me to be. It’s so tough to decide, but it is a must.

Me, having no boyfriend until now, is my choice. Not that no one surpassed my “high” standards but because no one proved to me yet that they are really worth my tears. I want to be very careful in choosing my man because I have this kind of personality wherein, if I would love, I always give 90% of my love, as in! I really exert effort in letting it grow and really care for that person, no matter what. And if I would get hurt, I really sacrifice and really hold on, no matter how painful it is. If I would say that I am committed, I really mean it seriously. So, at the end, if everything would fall down, it would really cause a very deep scar in my heart. It would cause me pain, and bring me trauma and fear. Actually, I really have a hard time in moving on and letting go. It would take me months and months to do so, sometimes, it would even take me a year or so! That’s how I love, very dedicated and faithful, that’s why I just don’t easily say yes to anyone.

Now, is it my fault if I don’t want to be committed to someone that easily? If I don’t want that anyone would just easily own me? And if I want that the boyfriends that I would soon have would be special? I hope we have the same answers.

All that I can do is pray for the right person, to come in the right time, to be in the right place, and when everything is perfectly settled and I am perfectly ready for it… because I want that the person that I would soon brood over is worth every tear and every smile…